Intersubjectivity: From Margaret Mahler and Heinz Kohut to Parallel Identities
Vladimir Nemet
“I have maintained a rather personal interest in one specific aspect of the rich heritage that Freud bestowed upon us, namely, his emphasis on the fact that a lifelong, albeit diminishing, emotional dependence on the mother is a universal truth of human existence.”
Margaret S. Mahler, The Psychological Birth Of The Human Infant: Symbiosis And Individuation
Introduction: Three Phases of Self Development
The development of the human self can be seen as a journey through three fundamental phases – initial symbiosis with the mother, the process of separation, and finally, reconnection – through which the individual acquires the capacity to exist simultaneously as self and Other. Margaret Mahler, a pioneering psychoanalyst, guides us through the first steps of this journey, revealing the early symbiosis of the child with the parent, the tensions and risks of separation, and the gradual construction of autonomy and internal stability. Heinz Kohut, viewing the self through the lens of contemporary psychoanalysis, expands this dynamic through the development of the narcissistic self, emphasizing the crucial role of the Other’s empathic response in shaping the internal sense of value and security. According to Kohut, the strength and autonomy of the individual are reflected in the presence of empathy in the surrounding world – in the perspective of the Other that confirms them.
The theory of parallel identities further extends this vision, showing how an individual can simultaneously hold different perspectives – their own and the Other’s – without losing internal coherence. According to this theory, Self and Other coexist from the very beginning, always and already.
All three frameworks, despite differences in emphasis and methodology, converge on a shared insight: the human psyche matures through the tension between belonging and separateness, through the gradual establishment of relationships with the Other, and through the capacity to exist simultaneously in multilayered identities, each layer carrying its own significance and voice.
I. Margaret Mahler: Separation and Individuation
Margaret Mahler, a pioneer in the study of early self-development, guides us through the first steps of human existence, revealing how the child gradually discovers itself in relation to the Other. Her theory of separation and individuation describes the path through which the child becomes aware of its distinctness while simultaneously building the foundations of an autonomous self. The three phases Mahler identifies – symbiosis, separation, and rapprochement – form the thread through which the first encounter of Self and Other is woven.
1. Symbiosis
In the phase of symbiosis, the child and parent experience the world as one, where the boundaries between self and Other are not yet defined. The world is shaped through the immediate presence of the parent; the needs of child and parent merge in an inseparable flow. Here emerges the first phenomenon of emotional reliance – the child does not distinguish its own perspective from that of the Other, and the security and wholeness of the world depend on the mother’s presence. Without this experience of unity, the internal structure of the self remains fragile and unrooted.
2. Separation
As the child begins to explore the world, the separation phase opens. Awareness of autonomy awakens an internal tension between the desire for freedom and the need for connection. Optimal frustration becomes the school of self: by allowing moderate resistance and delaying immediate gratification, the parent activates processes of emotional differentiation and mental growth. The child learns that boundaries exist – both their own and the Other’s – and through them gains a sense of independence and inner strength.
3. Rapprochement
The third phase, rapprochement, brings return – not passive, but active and conscious. The child seeks the parent as a source of security, confirmation, and emotional inspiration. This is the moment of the first fully conscious encounter with the Other: the parent is no longer an extension of the child’s self but a subject with their own reactions, which the child must recognize, feel, and integrate. Through this dialogue, the child discovers the perspective of the Other, learns to maintain balance between connection and autonomy, and gradually shapes a layered, coherent self – capable of living in a world where Self and Other exist simultaneously, harmoniously, and in presence.
II. Heinz Kohut: Merging, Separation, and the Discovery of the Self-Object
Heinz Kohut introduces us to a world where the self is not an isolated entity but lives within a network of relationships, in dialogue with the Other. According to his theory, the child is shaped through interaction with self-objects – subjects who reflect, confirm, and help internalize a sense of self-worth. Every glance and gesture of the parent enters the child’s inner world, laying the foundation for emotional security.
1. Merging
In the first phase of symbiotic merging, the child and parent pulsate as one; the boundaries between Self and Other are invisible, and the world is experienced as a whole. Emotional coherence emerges within this merging rhythm: the child does not yet distinguish itself from the Other, and the continuity and security provided by the parent form the foundation of internal harmony.
2. Separation
As the child moves toward autonomy, the separation phase emerges. The parent no longer satisfies every need immediately; optimal frustration opens space for the discovery of Otherness. The child observes the parent as a distinct subject, tests their reactions, and internalizes their presence. Within this space of boundaries and challenges, the self strengthens and achieves coherence. The tension between connection and autonomy becomes fertile ground for growth.
3. Internalisation
The third phase, the phase of internalization, brings an inner transformation: the parent ceases to be an immediate participant and becomes an internal resource, a self-object that builds a coherent, stable, and reflected presence within the child’s inner world. The child creates an inner presence of the Other – a space where Self and Other can meet and exist simultaneously within the quiet, reflective inner world.
Through play, attention, and daily interactions, Kohut reminds us of the core of self-psychology: the human need to be seen, acknowledged, and reflected. Only in this mirror, in this inner dialogue with the Other, can the self grow, strengthen, and develop a coherent presence in the world.
III. Critique of Mahler and Kohut
Although Mahler systematically describes the phases of separation and individuation, her theory remains primarily descriptive. It focuses on progress through symbiosis, separation, and rapprochement but does not explain how the child actually creates or discovers the mother as a subject. In her conception, the mother appears almost as a given, external presence shaping the self’s development, while the process of active encounter and internalization of the Other remains unexplored. Mahler provides a rich map of emotional growth phases but does not offer a mechanism through which the child generates a relationship with the Other and transforms it into their own psychological space.
Heinz Kohut, by contrast, introduces the dimension of metaphysical internalization. The child internalizes parental functions, forming inner self-objects and shaping a coherent, stable self. This process provides emotional security and inner wholeness but simultaneously suspends the immediate encounter with the Other. The parent ceases to be a living presence in the moment of experience and becomes a metaphysical entity within the child’s inner world. While Mahler describes an interaction that constantly pulses and maintains the Self–Other dialogue, Kohut shows how that relationship can be internalized, transforming the real encounter into internal security – metaphysical, yet removed from the immediate, living Self–Other interaction.
The Mahler–Kohut paradox lies precisely in this tension between living encounter and metaphysical wholeness. Mahler describes a relationship constantly constructed in reality but does not reveal its mechanism; Kohut shows how that relationship can be internalized, creating inner security at the expense of immediate, living presence. This tension opens space for further reflection on parallel identities.
IV. Parallel Identities: In the Beginning, There Is Always Two
The idea that human personality is dual – composed of two perspectives, Self and Other – is not new. Taoism, in the 6th century BCE, perceives the world through the One – Tao, from which two emerge. The duality of yin and yang, light and dark, male and female, arises from the One but remains connected to it; each contrast maintains harmony and preserves the universe’s wholeness. Platon, centuries later, in the Symposium, describes the human soul as divided into two halves, seeking its other half to be reunited in wholeness. While Taoism emphasizes natural integration and harmony, Plato envisions the encounter with the Other as an active quest to restore lost wholeness. Both perspectives anticipate the idea of parallel identities: an inner space where Self and Other coexist simultaneously, always and already, seeking presence and mutual completeness.
The theory of parallel identities developed here extends Mahler and Kohut, offering a fresh perspective: the child is not merely a passive subject internalizing the parent, nor an objectively separate self with fixed boundaries. The child is from the beginning both parent and child, capable of conscious exchange of identities and perspectives, where the Self–Other phenomenon unfolds in real time, in a living encounter.
1. Unity
In the first phase, the phase of unity with the parent, the child does not yet know the phenomenon of space. Boundaries are fluid and undifferentiated, yet the parent’s potential is already inherent. The child carries the presence of the Other within, still undifferentiated but already immanent, forming the foundation for future encounter and internal coherence.
2. Separateness in space
In the second phase, the phase of separateness, the phenomenon of space emerges. The child’s awareness of autonomy creates the first Self–Other split. Optimal frustration allows the child to test the boundaries of their subjectivity, exploring the space that separates them from the parent. However, the experience of separateness alone is insufficient.
3. Encounter in time
In the third phase, the phase of encounter with the parent, the phenomenon of time emerges. The child uses temporal shifts so that one moment belongs to the child, the next to the parent. The child’s identities rapidly alternate: if the frequency of exchange is high enough, the child is subjectively both child and parent. Self and Other meet, exchange, and stabilize. Returning to the parent is neither an external act nor an internal construction that substitutes the encounter; it is a living, phenomenological encounter of parallel identities, where the presence of the Other remains real and dynamic.
Through this lens, self-development ceases to be a linear path from symbiosis to internalization. There is no metaphysical problem of a personality separated from the world. Instead, personality is a dynamic play of perspectives, where the individual contains the potential of the Other from the start and, through experiences of separateness and return, space and time, achieves a real, conscious encounter with the Other. It is a space where Self and Other pulse simultaneously, coexisting in a layered, parallel structure of identity – always present, always shaping one another.
Conclusion
The development of the self, viewed through Mahler, Kohut, and the theory of parallel identities, reveals that the human psyche is neither linear nor one-dimensional. The phenomena of symbiosis, separation, and reconnection are not merely phases but a rhythm of encounters – with the Other, with oneself, with one’s multiple identities. Mahler reminds us of early intimacy and the tension between dependence and autonomy; Kohut shows how inner stability emerges through internalized reflections of the Other; while the theory of parallel identities opens a space where Self and Other dance simultaneously, in a real, conscious, and living encounter.
In this weaving of perspectives, the presence of the Other ceases to be an illusion or a metaphysical construction; it becomes a phenomenological encounter, shaping the experience of the world and of the self. Self-development thus assumes the form of a poetic act – constant exchange, encounter, and recognition of the Other within and outside us, affirming that wholeness is never final but always possible through real encounter, conscious presence, and the play of parallel identities.
Literature
Kohut, H. (1971). The analysis of the self: A systematic approach to the psychoanalytic treatment of narcissistic personality disorders. International Universities Press.
Kohut, H. (1984). How does analysis cure? University of Chicago Press.
Mahler, M. S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (1975). The psychological birth of the human infant: Symbiosis and individuation. Basic Books.
Nemet, V. (2025). New psychoanalysis and parallel identities. Academia.edu. https://www.academia.edu/129607071/NEW_PSYCHOANALYSIS_AND_PARALLEL_IDENTITIES
Platon. (1977). Symposium (A. Nehamas & P. Woodruff, Trans.). Hackett Publishing Company. (Original work written ca. 385–370 BCE)
