Borderline and Narcissism: Complementary Poles of Parallel Identities
Vladimir Nemet
“Empathy is the means by which the self experiences the other as significant and by which the other’s responsiveness is internalized into the self.”
— Heinz Kohut
Introduction: Two Fundamental Personality Disorders
Narcissism and borderline represent two psychological phenomena that continue to attract considerable attention today. What was labeled as a “neurosis” in Freud’s time is now recognized under the categories of “narcissistic” and “borderline” disorders.
In this article, I aim to show that, in the depths of the human psyche, there are essentially no “other” types of disorders besides narcissism and borderline. All other clinical manifestations and diagnostic labels—such as depression, addiction, anxiety, and others—are at their core derivatives of these two basic structural gaps. In other words, everything else is – symptoms.
The key difference between these two disorders lies in the missing affective experiences and in the way the subject manages parallel identities.
In short, a borderline subject cannot introspectively metabolize mourning and therefore cannot relinquish the idealized image of the Other. Conversely, a narcissistic subject cannot experience anger as an introspective affect and therefore cannot relinquish their grandiose self-image.
The affects of mourning and anger are not mere feelings; they are forces that shape identity and determine how the subject experiences the world and the Other. A subject who cannot mourn or feel anger cannot simultaneously experience the encounter and dialogue between the perspectives of I and You, which ultimately leads to existential loneliness and identity fragmentation. Only then do symptoms arise – attempts by the psyche to halt or mitigate its own disintegration.
Including bipolar disorder within this framework reveals a similar dynamic of parallel identities, but in a slower, episodic rhythm. Here, experiences of mania and depression reflect the dominance of either the grandiose I or the ideal You.
Parallel Identities and Affects
According to the theory of parallel identities, the narcissist shapes their experiences and sense of wholeness through the image of a grandiose I, while the borderline subject seeks wholeness by merging with the image of the grandiose You. Yet, these images remain idealizations that do not reflect reality, and any intrusion of the Real easily shatters the illusion, causing crises and inner conflicts.
The theory of parallel identities assumes that the subject continuously moves between two perspectives – I and You. When the gaze of the Other arises from the depths of consciousness, recognized as your You, my I recedes into the background. The reverse is also true: when ambition arises, that is, the perspective in which I am the center of my own inner scene, your You temporarily disappears into the background.
In a mature personality, this exchange occurs almost imperceptibly, at a rate of several oscillations per second, creating the impression of the simultaneous presence of both perspectives. Precisely because of this rapid exchange, the mature self can endure and integrate opposing affects—such as grief and anger—without the collapse of coherence.
However, sometimes this harmonious rhythm of exchange is disrupted.
Borderline Self and the Affect of Mourning
A subject with a borderline organization of the self builds psychological stability around an idealized image of the Other, what in psychoanalytic tradition is called the ideal parental imago. This is the figure of the perfect, omnipotent Other from which one cannot deviate without a sense of internal collapse. How could one possibly give up the image that holds the self together? If such an Other disappears, what could take their place, how could the void be filled?
Here, Jacques Derrida’s concept of the Trace of the Other becomes crucial. According to Derrida, this trace allows the subject to preserve the experience of the Other even when the Other is absent. It leaves a thin but vital thread that prevents the void from becoming unbearable. The grief that arises at the site of the lost object can fill this space and serve as a bridge toward internal cohesion, provided the subject can bear the affect. In mourning, the subject metabolizes sadness. Sadness is the affect that embodies the collapse of the ideal You. We can say that mourning is a path toward embodying the idealized image.
Repressed Grieving
In the borderline self-organization, this capacity is significantly reduced. Mourning is blocked because the loss of the ideal Other is not merely an emotional blow—it represents a threat to identity cohesion. Therefore, from a borderline perspective, the Other must not become weak, changeable, or human: their idealized strength must remain intact. Any change in the object triggers sudden oscillations of idealization and devaluation, as if the subject cannot tolerate nuance, ambivalence, or gradual approximation to the Real.
The borderline self cannot rely on an internal exchange of perspectives. Parallel identities are not integrated: the subject cannot simultaneously experience I and You, but depends on an external ideal to maintain the appearance of stability. Instead of grief enabling the process of transformation and internal bonding, it remains repressed, and the void is filled by frenetically seeking a new idealized Other who can temporarily hold the self together.
Narcissistic Self and the Affect of Anger
The narcissistic subject organizes their experiences around an idealized image of themselves. Freud’s concept of the ego-ideal refers to the internal standard of perfection by which the subject continually orients themselves, while Lacan’s ideal ego denotes the mirrored, imaginatively completed image of one’s own self—a representation that fuels grandiose fantasies and provides the illusion of complete coherence.
At the center of narcissistic dynamics is the difficulty of relinquishing this ideal image of oneself to make space for the presence of the Other. Abandoning the idealized self leaves a void experienced almost ontologically: if the perfect self-image disappears, what could occupy its place?
In a mature personality, anger replaces the grandiose self-image, through which the personality can restore a sense of wholeness. This is why the loss of the ideal Self does not lead to mourning but to anger, the affect that reconnects the subject to their embodied presence. Analogous to the borderline structure, anger here functions as a trace of the self. Through it, the subject can detach from their grandiosity while still maintaining a sense of presence—this time through their own body. Anger enables embodiment and grounding in a real relationship.
The narcissistic subject, however, cannot retain and metabolize their own anger. Any hint of this affect threatens the disintegration of the idealized image, so it is necessary to continue maintaining the illusion of perfection. Thus, anger does not appear as an affect that connects, but as an affect that must be suppressed to preserve the grandiose cohesion of the self. In this world, there is no place for the Other.
Bipolar Disorder as a Slow Exchange of Parallel Identities
From the perspective of parallel identities, bipolar disorder can be described as a slow exchange between the grandiose I and the ideal You. Mania represents the dominance of the grandiose I, while depression assumes the dominance of the ideal You. The pace of exchange lasts weeks to months, and simultaneous integration of identity does not occur; the subject experiences identity and affects separately, in episodes.
Psychotherapeutic Approach to Narcissism and Borderline
Psychotherapy for narcissism and borderline is based on creating a relationship that can endure the constant and inevitable exchange of perspectives I and You. Here, therapy is not a technique, but a space in which the subject can encounter the Other without the collapse of their own structure.
In narcissism, therapeutic work begins with the cracks in the ideal self-image. The therapist does not attack grandiosity nor aim to reduce narcissism. They create conditions in which the subject can step away from their grandiosity and begin to perceive themselves as a being not entirely determined by the idealized mirror reflection. In this process, recognizing previously excluded emotional contents—such as aggression, anger, disappointment, and envy—is crucial, not as proof of deficiency but as parts of the personality that carry traces of authenticity.
As the idealized self-image gradually loosens, a space emerges in which Otherness can be truly experienced. This is not a threatening Other nor an idealized object of admiration, but a living You that the person can encounter without losing their own cohesion. In this small interspace, the beginning of psychic transformation occurs.
The Goal of Therapy in Borderline
In borderline disorder, the goal of therapy is not affect control or behavioral stabilization, but something far deeper: the aim is to experience the analyst as a human being.
A human being with limitations, moments of uncertainty, and even weaknesses—but who nevertheless remains present, engaged, and emotionally available. This is the significant Other.
This experience is crucial because subjects with borderline organization typically perceive others as either entirely good or entirely bad, but never as complete human beings. Their perception of the Other oscillates between idealization and devaluation, and what is missing is a space in which the Other can be both imperfect and significant simultaneously.
Psychoanalysis is thus a process of gradually learning to experience the analyst as a significant Other who does not need to be ideal or omnipotent to be stable and reliable. When this occurs, the subject begins, for the first time, to form a relationship that is not determined by polarization but by continuity.
In both disorders, therapy does not aim to remove symptoms but to restore the capacity to experience the Other:
In narcissism – the Other is not a mirror, but an authentic person with their own perspective.
In borderline – the Other can be imperfect while still remaining a significant participant in dialogue and empathetic resonance.
Through this ongoing encounter, which unfolds “little by little,” a new psychic organization emerges: more resilient, less dependent on idealization, less vulnerable to fragmentation, and capable of existing in relationship without losing the self.
Conclusion: The Pulsation of Identity
The affects of anger and mourning represent the fundamental impulses of parallel identities. Anger signals the collapse of the ideal Self, while mourning signals the collapse of the ideal You. They pulse through body and mind, transforming fragmentation into vitality and allowing the subject to experience an integrated self.
Borderline and narcissism demonstrate the impossibility of simultaneous integration of I and You, while bipolar disorder manifests this dynamic slowly and episodically.
Therapeutic work with affects and parallel identities enables the subject to experience the pulsation of life, where fragmentation is not a deficit but a source of integration and vitality. Identity here does not find peace in stability, but in the rhythm of exchange and dialogue, where anger and mourning serve as bridges between self and Other, image and presence, world and I.
Literature
Derrida, J. (1997). Of grammatology (G. C. Spivak, Trans.). Johns Hopkins University Press.
Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: An introduction.
Kernberg, O. F. (1967). Borderline personality organization.
Kohut, H. (1984). How does analysis cure?
Lacan, J. (2006). Écrits (B. Fink, Trans.). Norton.
Nemet, V. (2025, May 28). New Psychoanalysis and Parallel Identities
